How can you be an ambivalent perfectionist? Isn't that counter productive?

It took me some time to decide on a title for this blog and although I may not be 100% satisfied with how quirky or creative it may be, its accurate (and much better than saying "hot mess"). I've spent my life in love with writing but never being able to do so freely without structure because god knows I would start and stop, restart, or give up. My computer is full of half started books, poems, journal entries, and random thoughts that I would hope would develop into this fantastic idea that I would see through. So, I am fortunate to be part of a generation that is "blog happy" as a means of me not fully committing to writing a book (yet) but at least doing something with my love of writing and my often unwelcomed thoughts and opinions on things.

So basically since I can remember, I have been a bit overly emotional, pensive, unsettled and have always tried to find balance between being idealistic and realistic. I have had a vision of how things and how I "should be" and tend to get bent out of shape when it doesn't go exactly like that. I blame this on shows like "Boy Meets World" where although they had their challenges, everything fell into place perfectly and it all contributed to the "bigger picture" so nicely. Thanks Corey Matthews. I also blame this on genetics. My mom is very rainbows and butterflies where my father is very cut and dry and as a result of procreation, I have fluctuated in my similarities to both of them at different points in life. I am currently riding the "just like your dad" train which like anything else comes with both good and bad qualities. But there are times that those little butterflies try to fly through and I find myself seeing the bigger, ideal picture of "life". Which is a contributing factor to me being an ambivalent perfectionist.

I find myself in a constant battle of accepting who I am and who I have been in the past and who I think I should be or should have been. Yes, I know, you can't live in the past, its useless, blah blah blah, but the reality of my thinking is that I have had to come to terms with accepting that I had not necessarily met the personal ideals I had set for myself due to circumstances and possibly lacking tools that I needed or even predispositioned brain wiring. Who knows. I could spend my life trying to figure out why I am the way I am but as I have learned through years of studying psychology, that will only get me so far. Being someone who strongly believes in making change, trying to figure out the back end of things may leave me with my wheels turning unproductively.

So, without going on an unnecessary tangent and turning this blog into a wordy book, here's what you can expect. Currently, I consider myself to be at yet another cross roads in my life (don't we run out of these things? I'm 31 and feel like I have at least 1 a year). I spent 9 years studying psychology and several of those years working in the field before deciding that my ideals of what I thought the field would be didn't match reality of what is was which made me a bit bitter. As a result, I decided to make a change and focus on pursuing something else for a bit until I could get back in touch with finding my purpose in life. And since I never do anything small, I moved across the country from a nice North East State to the Deep South (at least im in the city part of the state) and completely changed job industries. Now, I work as an Analyst in the Health Insurance Industry while studying Health and Wellness coaching. My hope is to tie all three of these things into a pretty little well rounded package of health and wellness experience and knowledge. Where it will lead me? No idea right now. And that is driving me nuts. So this is where my blog comes in. I no longer work in an industry that believes talking about your feelings or opinions is something that people really even give a shit about. In order to continue my love of reflection, knowledge of human beings, human nature, behavior and trying to find a balance between how it is and how it should be, I bring you The Ambivalent Perfectionist.

You will get a bit of everything here. Random thoughts and opinions, information on general health and wellness whether that be physical or mental, and even some life lessons and discoveries. The reality of the situation is that no matter where life brings us, the break we may need to take, the paths we may need to chose, the things we are ashamed or proud of, whatever. We are more alike than any of our "fronts" would like to admit. Welcome to being a human being. In a world full of drones and people faking it daily, this is real, this is raw, this is life and I hope you can relate at some level to the things I will have to say and give some feedback on your own experiences. So, will you live it with regrets or as your authentic imperfect self?