"Back the hell off"... I quietly mutter at myself in the mirror

I found this awesome quote/saying from one of the random people I follow on instagram (in hopes of becoming a fitness model overnight, finding the meaning of life or learning a new and lazy DIY approach to something). I don't know about anyone else but I am constantly trying to find ways to better who I am, better my life, and my future. You may say to yourself that these are good things to do, to constantly strive for better but, as with most things, I've beat this into the ground to the point that it may not be as glamorous as it seems. Or on the other hand you may think I'm an ungrateful brat who needs to be more appreciative considering how shitty some other people have it (I wouldn't disagree but that's not what I'm saying or will be saying).

I feel like I had somehow been cursed with this weird chasing tail syndrome of the grass being greener on the other side, getting to the other side and then looking for a new shade of green I may like that I hadn't thought of.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's not in the sense of being envious of others or not seeing the blessings I have in life but instead, aggressively pushing myself to what I think is the ideal next step in hopes of things being different or "better". Hence, picking up my life on the east coast, moving across the county and changing careers all after graduating from graduate school and getting married in the same year. I'm not one to do things on a small scale. Anyway, I guess you can say I am not someone who likes to deal with complacency or monotony so I am always finding something new to get myself into or looking to change within myself because lord knows I need work. Well, this is freaking exhausting and comes down to a much deeper issue I'm sure. 

The psychoanalytical brain within me can analyze the hell out of this issue and put it into a nice case note format, rationize it, understand it and come up with a plan for it. But like most therapists or people in a helping profession of any sort, we are awesome at helping other people and will find any reason not to apply the same advice or feedback to ourselves. Without turning this into some Lifetime episode, I'm just gonna say it how it is. I am someone who pessimistically defines themselves based on their flaws, judges myself based on my bumps in the road, and criticizes myself for not being at certain points in my life yet. Basically I'm a real asshole to myself. 

So wtf am I doing? I know that this is terrible. I see it. And it's exhausting. Why can I not take a step back, see the good qualities I have, the hurdles I've overcome and the potential I have to do great things in the future? Self sabotage maybe? Who knows but what I do know is at least one of you out there relate to this. You know what it's like to cronically be hard on yourself, never give yourself a break, and basically feel like you are not enough. I sit here thinking about 50 years from now and how I am going to regret being like this more than anything else but snapping out of it and changing it is incredibly hard as is any major brain requiring any of us need to do.

How do we step outside of irrationale, self sabotaging selves to be ok in our own shoes and realize that holding ourselves to the standards of perfection actually makes us more broken than if we accepted our life journey and who we are? The reality is that there are so many immeseaurable factors that contribute to who we are and our path in life that there is nothing we can evenly compare it to. There is no standard or benchmark which to compare and the definition of "normal" constantly changes. So, not to let you down but if you were looking for some magic remedy or clinical recommendation on loving who you are, self acceptance, and letting go of who you think you should be, buy one of Brene Browns books because she's got it down pat. Me? I'm still actively working on this and when I can not be a hypocrite and take my own advice, the sharing will commence.

Until than, you are not crazy if you can relate. But, for our own sanity, the sanity of others, and how short this life is, we need to get it together. How can we learn to lay off ourselves and appreciate where we are in life even if it's not where we want to be yet? What do we need to do to slow down and realize we are doing the best we can? How do we accept that we are in fact, more than good enough based on what this crazy life throws us? Or, do we need to just accept that we are both crazy and should go look for the magical green grass together. The choice is yours... good luck (A nice Legends of the Hidden Temple reference for you 90's children).