"Growing Pains" Part 1...more than childhood aches and Kirk Cameron's prime-Adjusting

If you don't know the show and reference to Kirk Cameron, you did not live in the glory days of the TGIF showcase which I looked forward to every Friday night followed by slight panic when 20/20 came on because I knew Barbara Walters was going to be talking about something that was going to put instant fear in me. All jokes aside, this post stems from several conversations I have had with my wife and recent conversations I had with two of my best friends from college regarding friendships and how simple they used to be. Growing pains... I have determined that this is the stress and realization that comes with transitioning to different points of life, reaching different milestones, having a variety of "Ah Ha" moments (both good and bad), and generally moving through the inevitable ever changing stages of our own personal journeys. Realistically, when we were younger, we were significantly more idealistic.Through a variety of life experiences, our perspectives, feelings, and a few bumps in the road our outlooks tend to shift or mold overall. We begin to slowly see things through more realistic perspectives based on our immediate needs, future goals, emotional status, having endured pain, overcoming road blocks, and basic life curve balls. As we grow up, we diligently work to try to continue to hold onto our ideals and our wishes and dreams while beginning to hone in on a variety of factors that may at times shift our focus and impact our relationships.

Being someone who has always placed significant value on relationships, one of the biggest challenges I have had throughout my life is accepting that both relationships and people change. When we get mad at a friend for not making an effort or being what we think is self-absorbed or selfish, we tend to forget to consider what that individual may be going through at their stage of life. We than put our walls up, get pissed off, and may either confront the person or allow the relationship to dissolve. It is important to acknowledge though that there is a significant difference between someone being selfish and someone being focused on themselves and their personal circumstances. Someone who is selfish is not going to reciprocate in a relationship and this is going to most likely have been a trend for some time or you have seen signs of it. Selfish people are going to drain the living hell out of you and contribute nothing back or bare minimal. Things are going to be on their terms and they are only going to truly engage when it is about them. The relationship will be based on what they need, when, why and how. As for someone who may be going through a self-absorbed phase, the person still cares and will do their best to make sure the relationship is maintained. They may not be as available or may have some of their own person issues as something they are predominantly focused on but that does not mean that their intention is to put you and the relationship on the "back burner". I have personally noticed that when we were younger, we had less to be self-absorbed with or focused on. Bills were taken care of by our parents, we didn't have full time jobs or obligations, our families were considered our parents and siblings and of course our close friends, and our level of responsibility was relatively low or non-existent. At these points, it was easier to maintain relationships and have them as high priority. As we transition into adulthood, reality sets in a bit. Bills become our responsibility, we need to prioritize things differently, we may have trouble adjusting to life's circumstances and curve balls, careers may become a priority or starting a family may become a priority, etc. Inevitably, things shift in our lives and how we evaluate our obligations and what we consider to require more immediate focus does as well. To be honest, this shift can be exhausting. We are required to learn a significant amount of new skills we are not used to whether that is based on a job, home ownership, family structures, etc. Most things are trial and error, learning from our mistakes, setting expectations and adjusting to them not going quite as planned, and putting our own wants behind our needs. Basically, for most people, things get a lot more challenging the further we progress in life (until we get old enough to have the wisdom to not sweat the small stuff).

When all is said and done though, its hard to even have time to take care of ourselves let alone make sure everyone else in our lives are "happy" and feeling like they are a priority. When we get upset with a friend for no longer feeling like a priority in their life, we tend to forget where our focus is as well and how we manage that focus and how our circumstances and and approaches to those circumstances are not the same as someone else. Additionally, since we are all human beings, wired uniquely with different paths in life, we tend to forget how others are impacted by circumstances, responsibilities, and what kind of "tools" they have to deal with these things. Not to mention, we are all unique in our perspectives, health, outlooks, external and internal dynamics, etc. Its amazing that most of us can even make it through the day sometimes. So, with all these factors, it can be challenging to maintain our relationships to the same degree we may have in the past. But, the fact of the matter is, if we value something, we need to make an effort even though it is not as easy as it may have been in the past. I for one will be very honest in saying that my friend circle has gotten significantly smaller than it had been maybe 8 years ago. With that, the value I place on the relationships I do have close to me has significantly increased because many of these relationships have sustained a significant amount of life changes. Some of these relationships have drifted apart at different times but had found their way back as a result of effort being made by both people even when it wasn't easy. I have also found that I am more inclined to keep people close to me who share in my morals, values, perspectives, outlooks, goals, etc. In the past, I may have settled to have different people in my life although I didn't agree with certain things. Now, I see that life is short, time is precious, life can get crazy, and I personally don't feel like certain things are worth compromising anymore.

Since there is a good chance I have lost your attention due to my excessive writing, I am going to wrap this up with a few final thoughts. Basically, we are going to constantly be in a battle between being idealistic and realistic in regards to a variety of aspects of our lives including relationships. Relationships are challenging because you are dealing with human beings and as human beings, we are messy, disorganized, chaotic, confusing, and all in all, trying to make it through this thing we call life as graciously as we possibly can. If a relationship has value to you, true value, distance, time, circumstances, and whatever else, will not damage that relationship as long as effort is made unless the person you are dealing with is straight selfish and than, you probably don't want them in your life anyway. I know I often think back to my days in college when I could go for long drives with my friends anytime I wanted to vent about life and that is something I deeply miss. I miss the convenience of relationships and the simplicity they were built on. But, I can confidently say that through life's trials and tribulations, the relationships I have in my life although they may be few, are genuine. If you are missing someone or something in your life, make the effort and sustain that effort. Some people are also only meant to be in our lives at certain times to teach us different things or serve a specific purpose and we need to be ok with that and learn from that. If we can predict anything about life it is going to be its unpredictability. As a result, we need to work with what we have and place value on what is truly important in life while realizing and accepting that everyone's journey and perspective is different. Life will certainly get in the way if we let it but that is up to you. Remember your value and the value of your time as well and direct that to people and circumstance who are worth it. Know when to hold on and when to let go. Realize when more effort may be required and also when it may be best to step back.

Stay tuned for the next Growing Pain edition...