The Serenity Prayer, Behaviors and Intentions... three things that help me with trying to get my per

When I started working with individuals struggling with Substance Abuse issues, the Serenity Prayer was something that was said several times throughout the day. The first time I sat in a group that I facilitated and said this prayer with my patients, I felt a sense of peace within myself. It was this prayer that gracefully encompassed one of my deepest internal struggles. Control and Surrender. For as long as I can remember, I've always felt very passionately about wanting to somehow control the things I couldn't especially when the issue or circumstance at hand went against my morals and values. I would feel overwhelmed with emotion and determination and desperately try to find a way I could fix or make sense of the issue because in my mind, it just "wasn't right" and I couldn't comprehend that people couldn't see things the way I did or behaved in a way I never would have imagined. Examples of these things include unhealthy expectations put on people, bullying, not treating people the way you want to be treated, crimes against the innocent, injustices, etc. I often struggle with not being able to comprehend certain things which fuels my internal fire a bit but, I once heard a quote that really changed my perspective as far as other people are concerned... "We judge others based on their behaviors; we judge ourselves based on our intentions". This helped put things into a better frame of mind for me in a lot of ways but still, not being able to control certain things, especially things I feel passionately about or threatened by, is a daily struggle and has contributed significantly to my personal negativity and resentment in a lot of ways.

Through the Serenity Prayer, I have realized that a lot of the things I can't control are exactly that, out of my hands. I can rack my brain with trying to find a way to structure, adjust, modify, or say how I feel until I am exhausted but the reality is, there is nothing I can do. Regardless of how aware I am of this simple fact, I still try to find way to control the things I simply can't. I tend to catastrophize about a variety of unrealistic scenarios and try to determine 1,000 ways to control the situation so that scenario doesn't happen or desperately search for answer to justify someone's behavior. This fixation on controlling a situation or behavior or getting upset over the fact I can't control it has taken away from endless opportunities for me to feel joy, appreciation, and have the ability to be present and in the moment. But, like most of us, we tend to fall into destructive patterns even though we know that they are contributing to our internal angst and unhappiness. I guess that is a lot of what anxiety is, huh? Fixating on things we can't control and trying to find every scenario we think may possibly happen and come up with a plan to stop it from happening? One of the worst things is when we have realized subconsciously that we do not have control and are left feeling helpless, we then allow our emotions to take a dark turn. For me, when I realize that something is out of my hands, the anger and resentment build, almost to a point of suffocation. Therefore, my mindset is impacted, then my energy, and lastly my attitude. What has started as an internal perspective and frustration over something has now consumed each aspect of who I am as a person and what I give out to the world. This is like sitting and watching the same car crash over and over again knowing the light is about to turn red.

The anger that ruminates as a result of the things I can't control almost alludes to someone who is throwing a fit when they don't get their way which is not my intention. It also somehow contributes to me putting myself on a pedestal of dictating what is right and wrong for other people and their behaviors without knowing the full story. We determine our thoughts and feelings based on perspectives and the information we have which is often not all the information. The quote I had mentioned previously about behaviors and intentions really clarified a lot for me especially when I had found myself in a pretty big situation where I myself went against my own morals and values and deserved judgement. From the outside looking in, I would expect to have been judged pretty harshly and critically but from the inside of the situation, I was lost, desperate, hopeless, confused, and broken. Even looking back on the situation before getting to a place of acceptance, I judged myself just as harshly if not worse than others may have. As you can see, an outsides perspective and an insiders perspective can be vastly different. No one knew what I was internally struggling with that led to my decisions and behaviors just like in some of the situations I allow myself to get upset over or try to control, I may not know the full story. I am not aware of what factors impacted a behavior or situation yet my reaction to it is from an "all knowing" standpoint. Seems pretty unfair now that I think about it. I am allowing myself to become consumed with something based on my perspective of the situation rather than the full story. Not only can I potentially not control it but I may be trying to control something that I do not have all the information on in some cases and then allowing it to consume my mental and emotional space. Granted, some things you just cannot excuse but it is interesting to see the factors that have played into an event or behavior that we may not be aware of but somehow feel entitled enough to pass judgement.

Control, behaviors, intentions, all work hand in hand with one another and depict very different vantage points. My issues with control are based on my perspectives of a situation or behavior, the threat I feel based on those, the behavior I would like to see and my lack of knowledge on the intent or contributing factors of the identified issue. Generally, this leaves things pretty grey for someone who is trying to justify black and white thinking. It contributes to the realization that as much as we want to put all of our ducks in a row, be proactive, structured, strategic, hold ourselves and others to certain expectations, and stand firm, we are truly at the mercy of the unknown. For most people, especially myself, the unknown is torture which is where I think the need for control and criticism towards others comes in. When control isn't an option, our mental and emotional reactions form based out of a place of fear and even self-defeat at some level. We assume the worst so we guard ourselves emotionally in anticipation of the worst actually happening. The biggest issue is the impact on our well being including out mindset, attitude and energy. If I allow myself to become consumed by my frustration over not being able to control or understand a situation or behavior, I have then allowed negativity to take over. This is where my biggest struggle lies. Finding a way to realize that no matter what I do or how I feel, at the end of the day, some things are out of my hand and I have the decision to be at peace with that and take things as they come in order to live the best life I can or I can sacrifice the time I have and the things I want for myself in my life for circumstances that may never happen and behaviors I may never understand.

So I say to myself daily..."God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." And before you judge someone, understand that you will never know their journey and how it has been shaped or why because each second of each day and each interaction and event that takes places molds us into who we are which is vastly different than anyone else in this world.