Behind the masks we create and place on others

Many times we fall victim to the trap of immediately jumping to a conclusion or judgement without truly knowing the "behind the scenes information". We stick firm to our viewpoint of a scenario, behavior, or person without leaving room for understanding and empathy. We often assume we know all the facts, back stories and "whole pictures" when, in fact, we know significantly less than we think we do. Think about how unique people are, how each of their thoughts and behaviors are dictated by a series of life events, how those events have an impact on our reactions to circumstances, people, and our environment. Toss in some internal struggles, personality traits, health factors, genetics, personal history, and bumps and bruises along the way and the reality is, we couldn't be further from truly having knowledge of a person or event. For as long as mankind has existed, perception has impacted what people believe to be fact. The way I view something based on my knowledge or past experiences can be significantly different from someone else's who bring their own back story and factors to the table. Someone who is more sensitive (like myself) can be impacted very differently by a comment or event than someone who is more thick skinned. A third party may have viewed the situation as the same for both people but each individual reaction can be vastly different therefore creating an additional series of reactions. Take someone who is introverted vs. someone who is extroverted. Place them in a situation where there is an event where several people will be attending, like a party. This event will trigger very different responses for both individuals. Add a mental health issue such as depression on top of those specific character traits of the introvert and extrovert. The introvert may need to mentally prepare themselves for weeks for the event, possibly trying to find different ways to avoid it completely, and they may need to convince themselves to break down the steps of going to the party the day of including showering, getting dressed and physically getting to the event. On the other hand, the extrovert may use the opportunity to be the center of attention, may build up the event in their mind and will even be the perceived life of the party all as a means to not think about their internal struggles with depression. The event for the extrovert may even be an opportunity to numb their feeling of depression in a social setting via the use of something like alcohol. Same event, two very different responses and emotions leading up to it. Now, outside perspective comes into play when both these individuals are actually at the event. No one knows what it took that introvert to actually be present at the event...the courage it took and internal convincing. As for the extrovert, no one may even see the sadness and despair that person is dealing with because of how they present themselves in a social setting. Snap a picture of both individuals and boom, zero awareness of the backstory. Both appear engaged and in attendance without anyone having any idea of what is behind the photo.

Throughout my life, accepting and understanding the perspectives of others has been a daily struggle. As long as I can remember and even to this day, I have always been overly concerned about how I am being perceived by other people (which has quite honestly been one of my biggest downfalls) Worried what they think, how I am viewed, if the other person is working with accurate information, and overall, desperately trying to win people over. Throughout the years, my attempts to control other peoples perceptions of myself have been met with wondering if I provided the right information in order to be perceived how I wanted to be perceived, providing too much information to people who didn't deserve to have that level of insight, and struggling with feeling misunderstood despite trying to put my best self forward. To this day, I laugh because my wife will tell people that she thought I was a "bitch" when we had class together in college due to my outward demeanor. She will then continue to say how she was incredibly wrong and, turns out, I am one of the most compassionate, caring, and sensitive people she has ever met. But in all reality, I know that for some reason, the way I carry myself, sometimes even my facial expressions, and even being outspoken, tend to keep people at a distance so they do not want to take the time to get to know me. I have also been across as "hard shelled" and "unapproachable". This is hard for me to accept because it is so opposite of who I am although sometimes coming across as a tough ass can work in my favor. What is most frustrating for me is that people see and judge me based on assumptions, lack of information, or misguided first impressions, without taking the time to truly understand the whole picture, having any idea where I have been, or the things I struggle with daily. In all reality, I am also guilty of this and try to be as aware as possible. Ah, being human.

Perspective is often based on the amount of information we have regarding a given person or event. We work with what we know based on the knowledge we have, our morals, values, opinions, beliefs, norms, and societies influences. We reflect on the person or event and then make a judgement. Unfortunately though, our perspectives can often be one sided. My mother always told me that in any situation, there is "my side, your side, and the truth". The truth in many circumstances is something we will never really know because it is based on fully knowing both sides, inside and out, having 100% accurate information, and using that information to view a circumstance objectively. So, in reality, we tend to work with very subjective knowledge, or, perspectives. Many of us walk around with masks or walls due to past hurt, being molded a certain way, circumstances, and even mood changes. In all reality, we often keep our true selves hidden due to fear of rejection or being hurt. But, for those who want to be seen as their true selves and aren't, hurt comes with being misunderstood and labeled or categorized.

Its hard to really pin point a good way to overcome misconception, inaccurate perceptions, and faulty judgement. What happens when you do your best to put your best self forward and you are still not embraced for who you want to be seen as or who you believe you are? We all tend to be judged and judge rather critically, we jump to conclusions and rush to assumptions. Very seldom do we take the time to truly understand or have open dialogue about something. We use the facts we think we have and move on to developing our reaction or final thoughts. Most times impulsive reactions or judgement can be avoided if we would just talk. Empathy comes to mind with a lot of this which means attempting to understand someone else point of view or putting ourselves in someone else's shoes which can be achieved through open discussion. Why are we so afraid to have open conversation about things? Afraid to avoid situations where judgement takes place and inflexible perspectives occur? Sometimes we fear what may come of open dialogue and conversation. It may seem easier to keep to ourselves and make our decisions based on what we think we know. Often times, we don't have the time or energy to address a situation openly and honestly which leads to a lot of misunderstanding and inaccurate perceptions. We need to ask ourselves if working from the information we have and making decisions based what we think we know worth the outcome? Or does the situation deserve the opportunity to be further discussed and explored. Is that persons opinion or feelings worth having that tough talk? Or is it easier to make our own decisions and move on? Sometimes, all it takes is an open conversation, laying cards out on the table, and giving someone a genuine opportunity to show their true selves. In an ideal world, this would be so much easier to do but unfortunately, we are all messy human beings who struggle with things like accountability, responsibility, and working through shame so having those open conversations can be tough.

I will leave you with this... When have your perceptions been misinformed or inaccurately molded? Would an open conversation have been helpful? What can you do moving forward to ensure that you are giving other people the chance to get to know your true self? What if someone is unworthy of seeing your true self? Would you be able to handle being judged inaccurately? How would you be able to process that? How can you do better with your internal view of self and external views of others?