Being anywhere but "the here and now"

I spend a lot of my time in reflection and analysis. I often look back on my life and try to figure out what has led to both the positive and negative aspects of my life and who I am. I also spend more of my time than I would like to admit thinking... ok, correction.... worrying, about the future. In both scenarios, I am ashamed to admit, I focus on many negative aspects that contribute to unsettling emotions and viewpoints of myself and where I am at in life. Clinically speaking, the negative rumination of the past aligns with symptoms of depression and the constant worrying of the future mirrors symptoms of anxiety for most. Don't go run and diagnose yourself though because it's not that cut and dry. Admittedly so, my reflections of the past and concern over the future leave me very out of touch with the current moment. As of recent years, I have found that my focus has really shifted towards the future whereas in the past, I had spent a lot of time reflecting on things in my younger years. 

It is in this limbo that I have lost my ability to be "in the moment". My obsessing, planning, and worrying about the future always pushes my mind to be 10 steps ahead which results in a lot of mental clutter and subconsciously assuming that I can predict what is to come... as if. As I mentioned, a lot of my time is spent reflecting and analyzing so by doing so, I am very aware of the internal behaviors and patterns I am creating for myself by living in the past and in the future. My rationale mind is aware of the damage I am doing to myself and the importantance of breaking these patterns for my own inner peace and happiness but, like a true messy human being, I struggle to pull myself out of these borderline destructive behaviors and continue on this merry-go-round despite knowing the need to and having the ability to get off the ride. 

Over the past few years I assumed that my focus on the future was a pretty positive step forward from my past behaviors of ruminating over the past which would leave me feeling regret, shame, and guilt that I didn't do better or know better. Focusing on the past also leaves most people pretty stagnant in their lives so when I was able to switch my focus to forward, I was pretty pumped and felt proactive. In true "type A, black and white" nature, my focusing on the future was taken to the max and surprasssed the point of being a productive thing for me to do. I have noticed that my mind is a constant "check list" focused on having all my ducks in a row, plans in order, and back up plans to my back up plans "just in case". Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the fact that nothing in life goes as planned and my life is a prime example of that but, even with that knowledge, my mind still preps, plots, and plans resulting in my inability to focus on the moment I am in. 

Life has a way of sending you warning signs and over the past year or so, the universe has warned me through subtle hints that I've taken my "focusing on the future", too far. I began to see how rigid my routine and behaviors had become, how I have an inability to settle down and focus, and even a loss of enjoyment in things and interactions that had brought me so much joy at one point. I truly began to notice a change in my personality... aspects that after years I finally began to life about myself. It took me long enough to gain some confidence in who I am and than to have that diminish, that is one hell of a warning sign. So, in true therapist fashion, I began to attempt to figure out what is going on, why, and how. I had gone from assessing big life events, aspects of my day to day, major factors such as work, relationships, and responsibilities... you name it. I found that I was able to find how each aspect contributed to the way I was feeling but it wasn't enough and left me pointing blame in areas I shouldn't have or that truly didn't fit the mold for the level of blame I was placing on it. It wasn't until I spoke with a few trusted sources that I realized that one of the biggest issues that has been a consistent pattern in my life that continues to repeat and wreak havoc is my inability to focus on the present or be in the moment.

Being in the moment is a rather simple concept that many people with very complex minds like myself cannot wrap their head around. I am always looking into deeper meaning and breaking everything down in a clinical sense when in reality, the answer has consistently been within reach in a simplistic manner. Focusing on the here and now makes more sense to me than many things in life but is by far one of the hardest things for me to do. I understand that all we have in the exact moment we are in and if we do not focus on that, it quickly slips by which leaves us running the risk of missing out on the good and appropriately handling the difficult (or realizing that we have what we need to handle things we didn't think we could). I have been missing out on a lot of the benefits and lessons of the "here and now" by living in a future that has been created based on anxiety and worry. That's not a life I want for myself and realize that if I don't get this in check now, so many amazing things will pass me by leaving me with regret and potentially placing me back in a frame of mind where I am looking to the past again. 

So how do we slow our mind down enough to truly be in the present? What if things like meditation and yoga just don't seem to fit with who we are? What if there is a fear behind letting go of patterns that we have let define us and oddly have taken comfort in? All I know is that I have been able to take one step forward in my process of attaining inner peace by realizing that the angst I feel is due to my inability to focus on the moment I'm in which is the one thing this control freak truly has control over. Realization and acceptance is a huge part of progress so I am working on acknowledging this as a significant "light bulb" moment. It may take time for me to truly apply these concepts to my life and a lot of "tug of war" in my brain but I'm greatful for another puzzle piece being discovered in order to compete my bigger picture.