The "in-between" and the journey there...finding balance within a mind of "black and

Last week I had some "me time" to focus on some internal struggles and shut out the rest of the world for a bit. During this time, I was speaking with someone on a few experiences, struggles and thoughts that kept repeating an identified pattern of "black and white thinking". The conversation began by me addressing my struggles with perfectionism, rigidity, and the constant "tug of war" I experience internally between being who I am and who I want to be as a person and falling short. This developed into a conversation regarding depression and anxiety and my personal experiences with both. Our conversation delved more deeply into understanding and creating awareness for myself around the fact that several of the attributes of depression are linked to living in the past and several of the aspects of anxiety are linked to living in the future. Likewise, we discussed how personality wise, depressive symptoms often lead to lack of action, ruminating, being stagnant, dwelling, isolating, not being proactive, etc. Whereas anxiety often expresses itself through over planning, being overly active, behaviors of perfectionism, attempting to predict the future, doing "too much", racing thoughts and basically trying to have "all ducks in a row" even when you don't even have all the ducks available yet. It dawned on me that in my life, I have/had been on the two different sides of "black and white" thinking and behaviors, (specifically, the roller coaster of depression and anxiety and the impact that had on my personality traits) although I thought that this was a more recent development of rigidity that I had grown into.

In the past, as you know, I had struggled with depression. My symptoms were pretty accurate to what they are specified as within that diagnosis. During that time the feelings of not good enough, internal chaos, lack of action, victim thinking, lack of clarity, lack of direction, disorganization, and so many other things, ruled my life. My life felt like it was in disarray and that I could not compartmentalize things the way I was internally drawn to do. Life for me seemed very unorganized and unpredictable which was an incredibly uncomfortable feeling for someone who wants and needs things to be more "cut and dry". Once I began to pull myself out of my depression, I was able to gain an inner sense of strength and confidence in my ability to identify coping skills and tools within my life to help me to move forward, make healthier decisions for myself, and organize my thoughts and my life the way I needed to. I was able to find an "inner power" that aligned with how I am as a person whether that is my genetic wiring or my ingrained personality traits. But, with any "black and white" thinker, this quickly took a turn to a more extreme way of thinking.

As I was working my way out of the more severe episodes of depression I was experiencing, I began to develop an overpowering sense of resentment, shame and guilt towards myself. I became angry with who I was during the times I was actively in the throws of depression. I refused to accept that person and even viewed myself as a different entity in a way because I did not want to associate with "that girl". I was disgusted with the choices I made, the lack of insight I had, I viewed myself as weak, and developed a level of hate towards my "past self". I was still actively working through the damage I had done internally and within my life so I still had habits to break, things to address, and lots of learning to do but, I had shut off any empathy towards myself and my experiences as they pertained to my depression, the choices I made during my depression, and the choices I didn't make. As a result, I actively started working to become opposite of who I viewed myself to be.

Over the last few years, I have identified areas that either contribute to feelings of depression or fall into the "danger zone"of who I do not want to be or go back to being. I have decided to take the advice I would give my clients and put it into action. In my mind, I made the decision to take hold of my life "full force" and make the changes I believed would keep me as far away from my depression and "that girl" as possible. I began to drop my evidently bad habits, pick up healthier habits, be proactive, organized, and put my mental and physical health as more of a priority. My resentment towards myself has decreased with time but it is still a struggle for me. I have a difficult time realizing that that person has made me who I am today and plays a large part of my personal life cycle and story. With working diligently to make changes in my life and work to avoid slipping back into a depressive state, I almost went from one extreme to another which I did not realize until recently. Little did I know that based on my "all or nothing" and "black and white" thinking, that the anxiety that went hand and hand with my depression (but was at the time pushed down by my the depression beast) would begin to rear its ugly head.

It didn't take too long for me to realize that my struggles with mental health are often a strange dance between depression and anxiety symptoms. When one flares up, the other silences and vice versa. With that said, during my diligent and almost obsessive attempt to get as far away from my depression as I could, my anxiety began to appear and quickly intensify which brings me to the present. In speaking with one of my "sounding boards" I identified that I am having a hard time with perfectionism, holding myself to unrealistic expectations, not leaving room for anything but rigidity, being unable to not be working on or towards something, being hard on myself if I fall short based on my own standards or the perceived standards of others, etc. It was pointed out to me at this time that my behaviors are being driven by extreme "black and white" thinking. Being someone that needs to see how things are connected, I mentioned that I felt that I had progressively and recently turned into a "black and white", "all or nothing", thinker. Well, I was quickly put in check and had my eyes opened to evidence that this approach to myself and life has been something within me for years.

Before I lose you, let me break this down. When I was depressed, I was full out engulfed in depression. I held myself to very cut and dry standards and when I didn't meet those, it added to my depression and self-loathing. I knew I was a mess so any aspect that I struggled with or didn't fulfill an expectation with only added to my depression more. Fast forward, my desire to somehow "make up" for the person in the past to avoid going back to that place has led me to be rigid in my approaches and the standards I place on myself. I leave no room for error and when error or shortcomings occur, I amp up my efforts to almost a self-destructive point fueled by anxiety. I over plan, plot, organized, compartmentalize, etc., because when I was depressed, I did not have the ability to do so. With that said... the common theme "BLACK AND WHITE" "ALL OR NOTHING" thinking. NO IN-BETWEEN.

I discovered that that tug of war within myself is my subconscious trying to being me to the world of "grey"... being more flexible and human rather than unrealistic and one extreme over the other. I often discuss the importance of accepting that we are flawed human beings and that we are impacted by so many variables in life that each moment we work to do the best we can. We are influenced by genetics, environment, culture, family upbringing, health, careers, finances, relationships, you name it. Life is truly messy and unorganized and it is unrealistic to put ourselves and our lives into "pretty little boxes" that are comparable to the cut and dry nature of something like math. I get all this. I work towards understanding this for myself daily. But, for me, I have an incredibly difficult time finding the "in-between" which is where my internal tug-of-war truly comes from. I see aspects of who I am and the areas I want to work on and who I want to be. The challenge is letting go of who I am in order to be who I want to be. That shit is scary. I know what its like to be an "all or nothing" "black and white" thinker. I understand it and it makes sense... I can generally measure it. Its the fear of a lack of control or not being able to paint the picture I need to within myself that feeds into these behaviors. In my mind, if I plan, organize, attempt to predict, etc., I will never fall back to that girl who's life was in shambles and falling apart. Simultaneously, the way I am going now is not working either.

Where does this leave me? Admittedly as a flawed human being who is still trying to figure out myself and my life. I know I need to find balance. That is one of the things I have identified in my life that has been something consistent that I need to work on. My fear lies in losing control if I do find more balance in my life and also falling short of expectations. I fear that all aspects of my life won't get 100% and that I will begin to slip. Control has always been something that I have held on to whether it was in a depressive or an anxiety state and masked differently within those episodes. So, I fear that finding an in-between or a balance will throw me off course despite my knowledge that the approach I have now and have had in the past does not work. What will happen if I cannot put things into a "neat box" or compartmentalize them? As a result, this awareness has become my first step in working towards the person that I want to be in order to begin to end the internal game of tug-of-war I have been playing. Changing who you are or personality/behavior traits is not an easy endeavor. It truly has to be done moment to moment and requires a lot of self-assessment and feedback from trusted people in your life. I have often mentioned not wanting to have regrets in my life and knowing what I need to change in order to avoid that but still falling into the same patterns. I.E. being too focused on others opinions, working too much, stressing over finances, etc. But we get sucked into an internal vortex that makes it difficult to break free from the chains we place on ourselves. When we have had these chains around us for so long, we learn how to go through life with them wrapped around us without realizing that somewhere there is a way to free ourselves.

I may not have an answer right now but what I will tell you is that if you are in a similar situation, you are not alone. Life is truly a "trial and error" process that requires insight and accountability. I am fully aware of my flaws, often more so than other people may think. I know where I need to improve, why I need to improve and the impact on myself and the world around me. I guess you can say I have been cursed with having a pensive mind and being an intense individual. The hardest part of it all is is stepping into the unknown even though the known is not the best place for me to necessarily be. I fear that if I make the changes that I know I need to, what will life look like? I've only known "black and white"...I can make sense of black and white... its the grey , the in-between, I fear.