"I was programmed to search. I didn't choose it, it chose me."-Timothy Shriver

A lot of the blogs I share with you all are about internal reflection, things I am discovering about myself and my life, and aspects that I am still working on uncovering or understanding. When little light bulbs go off in my head or a topic continues to repeat itself and remains on my mind, I decide to let you in on it. This morning while driving to work (which is when I am more clear minded and do my best thinking), I was listening to Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" Podcast (don't judge, I have truly grown to love her and would vote for her for President). On her Podcast, she had Timothy Shriver as a guest (Kennedy family member) and he was reflecting on a book he recently wrote called "Fully Alive". During this discussion, he was talking about being a "seeker" and said "I was programmed to search. I didn't choose it, it chose me." In that moment I was like, "Well, damn"... that truly resonates with me.

One of the things I have really struggled with regarding myself is my inability to be "calm and still". For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to be a "free spirit" or go with the flow, take things as they come, be content with complacency, or really even be present. Although I am working on being present and more mindful, I have tried over and over again to figure out why I can't do or be the other things mentioned. I get frustrated over my constant searching, seeking, wondering, striving for more, being desperate to understand and push my mind and life further, all to the point of overloading my brain a lot of the time. I continuously think if only I was more laid back, if only I could go with flow and be content with "as is", I would be set. But every time I try to work on doing those things, it feels like forcing a square peg into a round hole. It just does not feel right. There are things that I know are ingrained into who I am and also areas that I know are aspects that I can change about myself in order to strive to be the best version of me and who I want to be. But, something is telling me that this constant searching, inability to be complacent, wanting more from myself and life, and desire to seek greater meaning, is not something that can be changed. So, when I heard that quote by Timothy Shriver, I was like "Well, maybe I need to embrace this part of myself and continue to search until I find what it is I am looking for."

Like most things, my inner "seeker" comes with a "double edged sword" package. I find that my refusal to just accept things for what they are or lack of willingness to get sucked into the monotony of life allows be to consistently push myself outside of my comfort zone, find new experiences, challenge myself, and get a ton of learning under my belt. On the other hand, often times when I take those leaps or make those changes, I find myself back in the seeking stage striving to find the next step. To be honest, it's exhausting and confusing which is why I try to understand this about myself. I am trying to figure out what aspects of this character trait are building me into a better person and what aspects are tearing me down. It's quite a fine line as you can imagine. Looking back on the past 10 years, I can say that when I found I had the power and ability to make moves and take the driver seat of my life, that's when the journey with this really began. I actually made decisions and steps that were driven by my inner search which has lead me to having experiences I could never imagine. In a way, its kind of thrilling to see that you have the ability to make moves and changes in your life, "you are not a tree" you can remove yourself from situations or circumstances that aren't working for you. With anything though, sometimes you need to evaluate if making a change or changing a circumstance is worth it in the big picture at that moment and that is one of the issues I am struggling with now as evidenced in my constant discussion of being torn between my internal passions and purposes and reality and practicality. Ugh, the struggle is no joke.

At this point, I am truly challenging myself to work on finding ways to embrace who I am instead of constantly trying to change myself into someone else which I have done my entire life (I think this may be my biggest challenge in life). I believe that it is important to hold myself accountable for things that need to be improved upon but also work to understand who I am at my core in the process. What I am finding out is that I am a seeker and that is just who I am and who I have always been. I am also someone who is a control freak and when my "seeking and control" get too far out of control, that's when I need to working on my mindfulness and being present. When those things start spiraling and causing anxiety and distraction in my mind, I know that is when I need to take a step back. For me, this is a huge challenge and one that I do not foresee being remedied any time soon. With that said, I think many of us struggle to figure out who we are at our core, personality traits and behaviors we need to improve on, and the difference between both. This is a huge challenge and requires a lot of self reflection. A lot of the time, its hard for us all to sit there and look inward because we find things that may not sit well with us or we may even require feedback from others that is hard to swallow. Despite the challenge, it is important for our personal growth.

Regardless if you are a "seeker" with a restless mind and spirit (and a little too sensitive like me) or someone who has a calm nature and can be content with what is, embrace who you are while working on being the best version of yourself. We are all so different in so many ways so comparisons are shit even though I do it still every single day (working on it). Find who you are authentically and build on that person. In this life, there are too many factors that make us unique and who we are. I know that part of my journey is to seek out who my authentic self and life is while working towards understanding meaning and the bigger picture. What does your journey look like?