What do you wish for when you blow out candles?

Making a wish is often a common practice when blowing out candles, throwing pennies in a fountain or breaking a wishbone. Often times we are not supposed to tell anyone what we wish for in fear that it won't come true. Wishes often include material goods when we are younger, situation based outcomes as we get older, and more life focused desires as time goes on. I've wished for a wide range of things throughout life. At this time, I find myself wanting more than anything, inner peace.  

I've realized that material things aren't all they are cracked up to be and if you work hard enough, you can get those things in time. Wishing for superficial things gets you no where and wanting conceptual emotions is difficult to obtain as a constant state. Inner peace though is something in my opinion that alleviates the noise of the material, superficial, and internal and external stimuli. For me, inner peace is something I have never truly had. I've seen moments of it but having it as a general constant in my life has been similar to a dog chasing it's tail. Emotions such as happiness, fun, joy, etc. can often be attained through moments and interactions. They are amazing to experience but from my view are situation driven. Finding peace is a place within our souls that allow us to be in a state of being present focused, accepting of our situation and environment, not easily swayed by stimuli, and clear of past or future obsessive thinking.

My head is a noisy place and my soul is a sensitive one. I often allow a lot of my interactions, situations, environment, fears, control issues, and thinking patterns, take away from my ability to sit in a moment and evaluate that moment with a clear knowledgeable mind. My emotions get the best of me most of the time which silences the rational perspectives and abilities I have worked on for years. It's quite difficult for me to step out of a moment, breathe, and silence my emotionally driven thoughts. Moments arise when I am able to remove myself from the encompassing nature of an anxious mind and soul and see things based on a more "big picture" basis rooted in surrender, mindfulness, understanding based on concepts of psychology and spirituality but, this often only occurs when I am alone and am not directly involved in externally focused situations. 

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to, I cannot change a lot of the external things in my life. I cannot control relationships, society, behaviors of others, the unexpected events that occur in life, etc. Therefore, after years of learning acccountability and taking ownership in my life, I have acknowledged that I can control the internal and separate it from the external. Identifying this was a hard enough step that took years. Putting it into practice may be part of my life's biggest endeavors. I've learned aspects of myself that have created barriers for me to separate my internal being from external factors such as negative self talk, self worth, personality traits, impact of experiences in life, and just some things that have contributed to who I am or even who I've been from a young age. The relief in this all though is awareness. There are a lot of things I know I need to work on and personal characteristics that cause difficulty for myself and in my life that I own and acknowledge. That is a really difficult feat for most. But while I continue to embrace the good and not so great within myself, I struggle to find the ability to silence my mind enough to identify when the external in my life is negatively contributing to my internal shortcomings I am already trying to work on.

You can probably see why inner peace is what I need most in my life. It's exhausting sometimes being the complex and beautifully dysfunctional human beings we are and sometimes, the cards we have in our hands can make it that much more difficult on top of the cards we may be delt. We are all so different in so many ways. Some people are naturally peaceful, free spirited, not easily bothered, present focused, and have learned certain lessons others spend lifetimes trying to figure out. Other people like myself are more sensitive, restless, easily influenced, pensive, and controlling. In that aspect, inner peace is something that is not only a wish but part of the individual journey of life and foundation of purpose. For me, my desire to find inner peace would be a goal that would alleviate a lot of internal battles I have faced and continue to face daily. I spend a lot of time trying to find ways to work on achieving peace within myself, what that looks like, what stands in the way, and how I sabotage myself in the process. I can't help but wonder if as a "seeker" and "searcher" if my being and who I am is, as it is, because part of my purpose in life is to try to find the thing I have never truly had within myself which is inner peace. That feeling when I am in the middle of nature with no contact to the outside world and no demands. My thoughts are calm and my heart is the primary driver in that moment above all else. There are no external influences swaying my mind and I am able to be present and mindful in that current space while soaking in what my perspective of constant inner peace would be for me in this life.