Quality vs. Quantity... The changing tides of relationships

There's no doubt I have touched on this topic of how relationships change as we get older. We spend our childhoods finding where we think we fit in with our peers, adolescence battling aches and pains of acceptance while trying to make memories, young adulthood working towards embracing our uniqueness and finding likeminded people while doing a balancing act of carefree and responsibility, and adulthood realizing who we are, owning it more, and seeking out people who share in important qualities and characteristics we see as valuable in relationships. During these transitions, not only do we change but our circles change significantly.

For me, acceptance and feeling like I belong has always been a challenge which has been in part due to feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, worrying about other people opinions, and trying to embrace my true self while finding people who accept me for me and share in similar values, cores, views of life and the world, and who push me to be the best version of myself while accepting my not so admirable traits. I'm not saying that seeking out people just like you is the only way to go but when it comes to values, life outlooks, and morals, those are some pretty essential relationship components. The other aspects such as hobbies, sense of humor, interests, jobs, taste, etc. help us in regards to individuality and uniqueness which open our minds and aid in learning from the people we have in our lives. Differences in these areas keep things interesting and help us find new ways to grow and expand outside of our individual bubbles.

In the past, I can recall the several different stages I had gone through when evaluating what I was looking for in my personal relationships. I can see how really poor views of myself and low self worth drove a need for unrealistic acceptance and belonging that left me challenging my core values or feelings which resulted in a lot of poor and unhealthy choices. As I learned from those relationships and experiences and had gone through enough self destructive patterns, I began to realize it was ok to let go of the intense need to be accepted and liked by everyone and start to figure out who I am and what I want for myself and relationships. Once I began to do that, I noticed that I was starting to develop more solid relationships because I started to accept aspects of myself such as positive traits and core qualities. Granted, as a young adult, less responsibility and lack of real life stressors often lead to more carefree relationships that are not challenged as intensely as our current adult relationships but, these relationships start to become more likeminded and genuine. With less stress during young adulthood, we often tend to still keep our circle compiled of casual friends, some close friends, and aquaintences, which works for that time and also may be exactly what you are looking for. The truth of the matter is though that some people are generally more social so aquaintences work for them whereas others need the strong, deep friendships that can be counted on for the fun times and then not so fun times. 

At this point in my life, I am noticing things a lot more intensely as far as my relationships are concerned. Over the past several years, life's challenges, personal struggles, changes in family dynamics, job obligations, distance, etc. have truly tested relationships in my life. Relationships that have had a strong foundation have only been strengthened whereas some more casual relationships or relationships without strong foundations have weathered. I have realized that as I am working towards facing down my own internal battles head on, without the use of crutches or excuses, the need for strong relationships is greater than ever. This can often lead to feeling the effects of my circle getting smaller but makes me greater that those in my circle are deeply rooted.

I've been pretty surprised by the relationships that have prevailed through difficult times and the challenges of "adulting" but also, disappointed by the ones I thought would and didn't. As we develop our own families, get busy, deal with truly difficult experiences in life, work our butts off and grow even more into our authentic selves, it is typical to realize what we want and do not want. I have realized that as great as it was to have people in the past to rely on socially for a good time, it's the people who listen when I'm not making sense or provide support when I am lost that I need most in my life. It's the people who you can sit with in a park with a cup of coffee and talk about what you have learned from life, where you want to go in the future, your goals, and vulnerabilities, that are the ones I have found most need for and value in at this point in my life. Likewise, during the carefree fun times, it's these people who have seen you at your most authentic that can truly celebrate you and add joy when you are at your best. 

I'll leave you with this... what are you looking for in relationships? What do you value and what do you need? Are you more simplistic and find contentment in the socially based relationships and don't really need anything more intense than that? Or, are you looking for those deep relationships that you can bear your soul to but still shut off the seriousness with and enjoy life? What do you need based on where you are at in your life? Can you be ok with a smaller circle or do you need more? There is no right answer and it is based on you and your journey but no matter what you determine, be sure that the people you keep around are those who help you grow, support you, encourage you, and are loyal. I personally rather have someone in my life who calls me on my shit which will help me be a better person than someone who smiles and nods, telling me what I want to hear, and is simply looking to live a life based on rose covered glasses than reality. Plus, I've always found that when you get called on your shit and learn from it, it makes for a good "remember when" story.