The double edged sword of expectations ....

The topic of expectations is a tricky one. We are often taught to hold ourselves to high standards which means to have high expectations of ourselves. On the other hand, when it comes to others, lowering our expectations is what we are advised to do in order to not be left disappointed. As for life in general, there are some mixed messages. Statements insinuating that we can have anything we want from life as long as we set goals and generally "make it happen" tells us to set our expectations high and that it will ultimately be up to us to meet those expectations. On the flip side, we are taught to be present and trust in the "bigger picture" and understand that everything happens for a reason. So, if you're like me, trying to put all these concepts into a box or view it in a black and white manner is a challenge in itself.

I can admit that throughout my life I have had high expectations of others and the role that I had hoped certain people or groups of people would play in my life. I failed on so many levels to realize that people are complex and human and instead, blamed myself for people falling short of my expectations. I would (and still do at times) fixate on what it is about me that led to another person not responding or handling something the way I had hoped and expected. This often resulted(s) in poor self worth and self image, thinking I wasn't good enough to obtain the responses or engagement I had hoped from an interaction or situation instead of just realizing that my expectations were unrealistic and that other people are human with their our shit and baggage. On the flip side, after being disappointed, there were times I lowered my expectations so much that it became worse than having high expectations. Story of my life, lack of balance. It wasn't until recently that I really began to see the multiple factors that impact other people's behaviors and responses and that in fact, only a small part of that had to do with me. I also realized that as messy as I am as a person internally, other people have their own messes they are dealing with and together, that's a lot of mess and it's unrealistic to set certain expectations since it will often lead to disappointment. Let's not forget the fact that although I try my meet my high expectations of who I should be for others, I can often fall short myself despite having the best intentions. 

Expectations within my life has probably been God's favorite knock knock joke... "knock knock. Who's there? Kate's life. Kate's life who? Kate's life who is going to go completely opposite than she ever imagined or expected." Or something like that. Through the messy and organized time periods of my life, I always had high expectations on how certain things were going to go even if my mind wasn't as clear as it could be at times. I knew how I generally wanted my big picture to go and let me tell you. It has not gone that way at all. From comming to terms with my sexuality to changing careers from something I believed I was destined to do to moving from the East Coast to the Deep South... nothing has gone as I had imagined. With that said, there has been amazing surprises and joys within the unexpected and also very strong personal and life lessons. But, as life has unfolded, I can't say that I went with the flow and didn't kick and scream along the way. My biggest challenge has been the expectation I have set for myself and for my life and my inability to take life as it comes and surrender to the bigger plan.

This all leads me to my infamous tug of war game within myself. Round 100,000. How can I find a common ground with my expectations as far as my relationships go, view of myself, and approach towards life is concerned. Where should I pull back and where should I continue to set my bar higher? In a clear mind frame, I am assuming that I should apply expectations on smaller scales. Rather than lumping everything together, it may be better to look at circumstances and situations and adjust my expectations more on a more unique basis. In dealing with control and perfectionism, I (and most people I think) tend to try to generalize things and people in life rather than realizing the uniqueness of each person and situation and that it's not a "one size fits all" no matter how much I may want to fit things a certain way. Additionally, accepting that I can't even always meet those expectations despite being hard on myself and having unrealistic expectations on myself goes to show that that approach is off the table in most circumstances. So, how do we make adjustments? How do we evaluate where are expectations should be with certain people and circumstances? Do we relinquish power completely and just let things unfold? Do we only place expectations on ourselves and let life and people do their thing? How do we use expectations in a healthy way that eases off of control and perfectionism and allows us to "roll with the punches"? Concepts such as be present, mindfulness, surrender, etc. support the "take it and people as it and they come" which is something us control freaks need to work very hard to do. Trying to be perfect within ourselves sets a bar so high that we will never be able to reach it which feeds into unhealthy self image and self worth issues since we feel as though we may always be failing. But in true double edged sword nature, expectations serve their purpose as a means to measure where something is and where there may be room for change, more effort, or to push harder.

If I haven't confused you enough. My take on all this is to accept people and ourselves as messy humans. When it comes to our relationships, we can't be selfish in thinking people's responses or behaviors are direct reflections of us or have anything to even do with us. When it comes to ourselves, we know that our responses or behaviors don't always have to do with the other person so we need to respect the same view when it comes to others. It is important though to make sure that we are content with how we treat and behavior towards others in order to ensure that we are holding ourselves accountable for the role we play in the dynamic and putting our best self forward. As for life, we can set objectives and goals and work towards those. We can apply ourselves and do the necessary steps to reach where we want to go but, we better be prepared for things to take a turn or go another direction than expected. When that happens, it will take a lot of inner strength to accept that and see the meanining in the curve balls and unexpected because it is bringing us closer to where we are meant to be. Lastly, through true and thorough evaluation, we need to learn when to step back, walk away, and try something new. But I can confidently say that digging into that decision making process is going to take a whole other blog post. 

Thanks for tuning in! I'm sure my insight and perspective on all this will change, grow, or develop further so take what I have said as a piece of the bigger puzzle of figuring out our crazy selves and unpredictable adventures of life!