"Kate, you're kind of like a cockroach"...what you think you see and what's behind
This is one of the weirdest, yet, oddly accurate analogies of what people think they see based on my external demeanor compared to what they begin to get to know over time in regards to who I am behind it all. Several years ago, someone had said (and this isn't the first time and definitely will not be the last) that I come across very hard, "bitchy", unapproachable, and tough. After actually giving me a chance, they realized how mushy, soft, emotional, and sensitive I am behind my facade. The person was unable to come up with a good comparison at the time so they compared me to a cockroach... really tough and solid on the outside and mushy and gushy on the inside. Not one of the finest or most endearing analogies but to say the least, its accurate.
Most of my life I guess I have portrayed myself as outgoing, tough, loud, bitchy, and hard. I tend to talk a lot and I do have my opinions I feel very passionately about. Because of this, I never fit the mold of "a good little girl or young lady", or what is "expected" of a woman based on different definitions and standards. People don't often feel comfortable approaching me, and I come across as having very thick skin, and have even been told I am "brash". Granted, some of these qualities are accurate depending on the situation but overall...not so much. As a result, unintentionally, this has kept people at a distance in many cases and has also resulted in people not really giving me a true chance because of what they "think" they know. I cant explain why I come across the way I do but what I can tell you is it is polar opposite than what is on the inside. Perspectives, right?
Through my journey of self reflection and discovery, there have been many unanswered questions I have had about who or where I am, have been, or what the future holds. I have discussed my desire to understand my past and how it has impacted my present and how that will influence what is to come. I have struggled to make sense of it all, been thrown so many curve balls, tried to find answers to questions that are perspective based, had to accept that facts are harder to come by than I would like, and I have had to learn that no matter how hard I search, look, or analyze, that some times things just need to be accepted for what they were, are, or may be. Something I have an incredibly hard time with since I have determined that I really am a very "black or white" type of person. Despite the unknowns, the lack of answers, the internal power struggles between what I want and what I have to accept, etc. there is one thing I can confidently say and that is that despite how I come across, I am a Highly Sensitive Person. You may be thinking to yourself... "yea, ok Kate..." but, before you assume you know where I am getting at, let me explain to you what the true definition and dynamics are of a Highly Sensitive Person.
According to Psychology Today "High sensitivity can be defined as acute physical, mental, and emotional responses to external (social, environmental) or internal (intra-personal) stimuli. A highly sensitive person may be an introvert, an extrovert, or somewhere in between." This definition in itself had flipped the switch to one of the many light bulbs in my head. I was never able to understand why everything in life from external or internal stimuli impacted me so significantly and deeply and as a result, I have always felt that there is something wrong with me. I've asked myself so many times why I haven't been able to let certain things go or why things that are going on around me have impacted me so deeply and significantly to the point it completely throws off my ability to find and maintain some level of emotional homeostasis and often throws me into "fight or flight" mode.
Since a young age, my mom had told me that some people are just "too sensitive for this world"... and I never understood the impact of a statement like that and figured it is something that can be worked on because for whatever reason, I assumed sensitivity was a weakness. Despite my outward demeanor that led people to assume and act certain ways towards me in response to how I unintentionally portrayed myself, each interaction, circumstance, situation, etc. had and continues to have a significant impact on me internally. The reference to sensitivity isn't so much of "Oh my God I'm going to go cry in the corner" instead, it is more of a factor that would and continues to influence my perspective of myself and my life more significantly than any level of self-awareness I may have/had or was and currently am, trying to work on building. For someone who is a Highly Sensitive Person, it is very difficult to feel confident in your own skin, aware of who you are as a person so that other factors do not take away from that, and makes being authentic and vulnerable very difficult. For myself, I spent a lot of time basing my value on other peoples perspectives and feedback, ability to achieve accomplishments and goals, and the degree of reassurance I received based on answers I was looking for. In many cases, although I am more aware of this and what it is, some things are still a work in progress.
When I spent some time reviewing what a Highly Sensitive Person is, the article I read from Psychology Today explained it best. Here are some examples that truly hit me like a ton of bricks and helped me to gain some much needed answers regarding my past and present journey in life.
Category One: Sensitivity About Oneself
1. Often has difficulty letting go of negative thoughts and emotions
2. Frequently feels physical symptoms (i.e. stress or headache) when something unpleasant happens during the day
3. Often has bad days that affect eating and/or sleeping habits in an unhealthy way, such as eating or sleeping too much or too little
4. Often experiences tension or anxiety.
5. Tends to “beat oneself up” when falling short of own expectations
6. Is afraid of rejection, even in relatively minor situations
7. Compares self with others often (in physical, relational, social, work, financial, or other scenarios), and experiences unhappy feelings from negative social comparison
8. Often feels anger or resentment about situations in life or in society which seem unjust, aggravating, or simply annoying
Category Two: Sensitivity About Others
9. Often thinks/worries about what others are thinking
10. Tends to take things personally
11. Finds it difficult, when triggered by relatively small unpleasantness with people, to just “let it go”
12. Feels hurt easily
13. Often hides negative feelings, believing they are too strong, turbulent, embarrassing or vulnerable to share; keeps a lot of negative emotions inside
14. Alternatively, often discusses negative emotions with others because there’s a lot of “drama” in one’s life
15. Has a hard time accepting critical feedback, even when it's given reasonably and constructively
16. Often feels like people are judgmental, even when there’s no strong evidence
17. Often overreacts to real or perceived slights and provocations
18. Often feels awkward in group situations and feels unable to be oneself
19. Feels self-conscious in romantically intimate situations; excessively worries about partner’s approval; is unreasonably afraid of being judged or rejected by partner
There is a third category that addresses the impact of the actual environment but at that point, I might as well have put the entire article in here.
After reviewing these items, I was like "oh my"... this truly explains so much of what I feel and struggle with and makes so much sense. If only people knew that what they think they see on the outside is so very different than what goes on on the inside. Not to mention, the internal has inadvertently impacted how I carry myself and how I come across...even since a very young age.
My goal for this blog was to address that what we see in other people on the outside and what we use to form our perspectives and judgement may be very different from what is going on for that person on the inside. I encourage you to take the leap and try to get past someones external when you can. Additionally, for those who have struggled with many of the same questions about yourself, who you are, your life, your journey, how you absorb energy and situations, etc. Take a look at the information on a Highly Sensitive Person to help you continue to build on understanding your personal and internal foundation. In no way do I use these pieces of internal exploration and findings as an excuse to behave a certain way or make justifications for things I need to hold myself accountable for and work on. What I do use this information and self-discovery for is my ability to understand myself and find areas that I need to tackle more aggressively while trying to continue to improve myself as well as a glimpse into realizing who I am as a person and how that fits into my life, relationships, and the world as a whole. When we can take the time to truly look at ourselves, who we are, what makes us us, and how to use those factors to be our best selves and "live our best life", we begin to live a life based on getting closer to authenticity, truth, and being genuine, all of which help us to connect to one another as human beings rather than allowing the disconnect between us to grow.
Stay tuned for my next blog on the positive aspects of being a Highly Sensitive Person and how to use these insights as strengths...
Also, check out the article from Psychology today below: